


suicide notes

by blue_crabs_from_maryland



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:18:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22300159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_crabs_from_maryland/pseuds/blue_crabs_from_maryland
Summary: Harry has always wanted to die.
Kudos: 12





	suicide notes

Harry used to write encrypted messages in the corners of his essays. Dot, dot, dot. Dash, dash, dash. He decided on a mix of Braille and Morse, but to a casual observer it looked more like a childish drawing mixed with someone's attempts at Chinese calligraphy. In big bold letters, Harry was telling anyone who would listen that he wanted to kill himself.

What does one say when one wishes to die? When one has the sneaking suspicion that Death is no farther than the nearest corner, that Death has placed his hands on you and he was never planning to let go? What do you say? To yourself and to others?

I'll tell you what happens.

When you grow up feeling like you should be dead, like there are dead black flies in your mouth and that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you that you don't belong here, that you never did, that you should just kill yourself, that it would be easier, well. It normalizes things. You don't think it's that important, that you should tell somebody or ask for help, because in your mind's eye everybody already knows. Everybody's looking at you. They all hate you. The reason why nobody says anything is the same reason why you're all alone.

What makes today different from yesterday? Or the day before? You've always wanted to kill yourself. You've never once stopped. It's just that now somebody noticed.

What do you say to yourself, then, when you want to die?

It starts small. You write notes in the margins of your essays. In all honesty, you've never wanted to die. You wanted to be free. But if the choice is between the life you've lived and continuing on as you have been until now, then that's not really a choice at all. Harry did not have a happy childhood. The Dursleys made his life hell. He was lonely at school and openly detested at home. There's only so much time you can spend around the people who make you miserable before you realize your life is meaningless, worthless, that it would be better off for everyone else if you were dead. In other words, you want to kill yourself.

The letters are a reminder of who you used to be, before you realized that you'd be better off dead.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this, you might like:  
> \- "where there's a will," (2017) aloneintherain on AO3  
> \- "Is this the end?" (2014) Thecurtaincall on FF.net


End file.
